The Morning After

I heard Bipolar once described as waking up the next morning after having a massive party at your home. You don’t have any memory of the party but you still have the mess to clean up.

My life is a mess. I remember most of it like I remember being in the passenger seat while someone else took over the wheel, seeing the destruction that I was wreaking upon others but having no control over it. I’ve done some bad things in my life. A lot of bad things, I am sad to say. Now I am reaping the rewards of all those misdeeds.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say for myself. “Sorry” does not seem to cut it for all those that I have hurt. I especially don’t know where I am going now with my life. I have no career to speak of. I live off of an Army disability check. So, I have no job to go to, people to interact with or a boss to talk smack about. Yes, there are positives that I have too. I don’t have to answer to anybody. I don’t have a time card to punch at five in the morning. I also have no wife anymore. I have nobody to love or love me in return. I have a daughter who has shut me out of her life and I haven’t spoken with in three years.

I have to remind myself throughout the day that if I hate my life so much then I need to work to make it better. I need to clean my home, do my dishes, take better care of myself. Do the things that I am in control of and not obsess over the things that are out of my control. That’s sounds all great on paper but how do I put that into action in my life?

I don’t know the answers to that. I just know that I need to do some dishes and maybe that being done will make me feel a little better about myself having accomplished something.

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