Breakdown

Yesterday was an “interesting” day. My radiator blew on my SUV stranding me in the middle of the Ozarks. Fortunately for roadside assistance and several offers to help, I got my vehicle back to the mechanic I use that is conveniently located less than a mile from my home. I didn’t let myself get hysterical, upset or even miffed. I also did not use to cope with the situation.

Too often we hate losing control of our life. When the unexpected happens we often drop everything and freak out. How am I getting the truck to the mechanic? How will I pay for it all? I trust in God to provide. Sounds like a co-out? Believe isn’t the hard part, it’s us letting go of our lives that we don’t want to lose. Then something happens that shakes up our world, our faith.

Having the truck break down ended me and my kid’s camping trip. Thankfully we were camping around the corner of Branson and not way the hell out in Theodosia like we originally planned. I still plan to take a camping trip to Theodosia sometime while the weather is nice.

I can’t let myself worry about things that are out of my control. I did it for years and it almost ended my life. It is hard surrendering control to a higher power. I struggle with it every day. Some days are good, others I didn’t do such a great job at it. What is important is that I keep trying.

I refuse to let this world bring me down. I mentally cannot handle it. My illness causes me to obsess over the littlest of things. What my spouse says to me, how she says it, or what she doesn’t say used to send me into a panic. I didn’t know what she was thinking, what she wanted. Now, it bothers me not so much. What little that it does bother me, like anything else, I brush away.

Having a mental illness makes the act of brushing something away as nearly impossible as an alcoholic resisting taking a drink. How did do I do it? I have to honestly say that I did nothing. I could do nothing. My only hope of surviving this world was to turn my faith to Jesus. It was He who rescued me when I was sick and He was the One who restored me to sanity.

I am also working through my Twelve Steps of NA in hopes of restoring my life to some semblance of normal. I am in recovery. I have my bad days when I fall off the wagon. I also stand myself up and get back on board. I cannot allow failure to be an excuse to keep using.  Just as I cannot allow missing a day or two of my meds keep me form taking them.

I take my recovery very seriously as I do Jesus. I have a heart for addicts who are still in bondage to drugs and alcohol. I am no better a person than any other addict living on the streets because they ruined their lives, their families, their careers to addiction.

I didn’t want to wait until I hit rock bottom before I got help. I do not have to be there because I got in trouble with drugs unlike some who are there. I want to be there and I want to live a clean and sober life. I am tired of being chained to something that only wants my death and destruction.

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