Self Worth

My soon-to-be ex-wife made me feel worthless and unwanted. She did it by ignoring me and pushing me away. I swore afterwards that I would never let anyone make me feel like that again.

Someone did just that today. The woman that I am dating has Bipolar I and this past evening and night she cycled. I sat with her for hours and asked repeatedly if there was anything that I could do for her. She insisted that there wasn’t. Then she complained that I wouldn’t hold her. When I tried she pushed me away.

I asked if she wanted to talk. She didn’t. And when I left for a meeting she complained that I wouldn’t talk with her. When she wouldn’t even acknowledge my existence in the room I left to work at my computer. She got upset that I left her side.

I am not a mind reader. I am a pretty straight forward guy. I ask straight forward questions and expect the answers to be straight forward as well. When nothing that I did, and the things that I didn’t do, were not good enough for her I shut down and pulled away myself.

By the end of the night, when I came home from a NA meeting, she appeared to be asleep. I didn’t want to wake her so I did some quick blogging. She came into the room and complained that I didn’t talk to her when I got home. I know she has Bipolar and her emotions are a roller coaster ride at the moment. But that does not give the person the right to make me feel useless and unwanted.

For the first time since I met her, I did not want to even be in the same room as her. I was pushed out of my own bed by her deafening silence. Already I have gone 48 hours without sleep because I am currently manic myself. Now I can’t sleep in my own bed and I am wired from self-pity and sadness.

I cannot allow any person to make me feel like this. I cannot allow any person to push me out of my own bedroom and bed. I should be asleep right now. But I am facing another night without sleep. So I gave up on sleeping and brewed a pot of coffee. Screw sleep. I cannot sleep. I will not sleep.

The memories of what my ex did to me still haunt me. For three years I took her indifference and rejection in hopes that some how I could pay penance for all the wrong I had done in our marriage. But she instead threw me aside like a broken toy. I feel like history is repeating itself.

If history is repeating itself I want no part of it. I don’t care how I feel about my girlfriend. I will not tolerate being treated in this manner.

Too often, we who have a mental illness, take abuse in various forms and accept it as the price we pay to have someone in our life. Nobody should ever make you feel worthless and unwanted. We need to have enough self-respect to stand up for ourselves and say “no more”.

If you find yourself in an abusive relationship, whether physical, mental, or sexual, you need to walk away from that relationship no matter the cost. If that person that you are with refuses to change their ways they need to go, or you need to leave.

Just because we have a mental illness does not give anyone the right to abuse us, make us feel worthless, reject us out of spite, or any of a number of other things. Take a stand for yourself and say enough is enough.

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