Constant Conversations

One of the things that bothers me a lot is the constant conversations that are going on in my head. My literal every waking moment I am talking to myself in my own head. I didn’t realize till recently, that I was not the only one who suffers from that.

My conversations can last from 10-30 seconds before I switch topics for 10 or so seconds, then I jump to another topic for another 30 seconds before ending back at my original conversation. It gets exhausting.

The topics can be anything or nothing at all. Often times the thoughts are negative and sometime violent even. And when I say violent, I have a soldier’s mentality 24/7. I am always on guard for any act of aggression or violences towards me. And in my head I run through scenarios constantly about what would I do if “x” happens at Walmart? I will do “y & z” in response (often viciously).

The negative thoughts are taxing. They are not as bad as it used to be, but I get them throughout the day still and have to shove them off to the side when I am able to. Often it’s me re-enacting conversations and encounters that I have had that day. How would I do this differently? Or what if I had said this instead? What did that person mean when they said this?

Some things that have helped with the symptoms of these constant conversations is meditation, listening to music, reading, watching movies. Nothing is a cure for it. Meditation gives some relief when I am able to calm my mind. While listening to music and watching movies lets my brain shift into neutral.

In the end, there really isn’t much that can be done about this. I’m sure there are medications out there to help quiet my mind, but then again I don’t want to end up zombiefied. Again.

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